TSB FOOD : Chocolate Suicide Cake And Harakiri Shot

seppuku cake

 

By: Linggus Khan

Ed: Linggus Khan is our new food editor. She formerly worked in the tyre department at Michelin. So if she said a food tasted like burnt rubber, she meant it.

Stressed out because you were late for work or late from work because the inevitable happened? No. Hush you. I am not talking about the MRT. I am not a political animal. I am just an animal when it comes to food and….err nvm.

I am of course talking about the rain…

Anyway, what better way to ease the stress than to binge on Chocolate Suicide Cake and to wash it all down with Harakiri Shot? :

CHOCOLATE SUICIDE CAKE

Yield:12 servings

1 box devil’s food cake mix

Eggs, water and oil as directed on box

1 pound semisweet chocolate cut in small pieces, Ghirardelli “hunks” preferred (Trader Joe’s) but standard semisweet chocolate chips will work

1 1/3 cups heavy whipping cream

4 Tablespoons butter

Procedure:

  1. Prepare cake mix as directed on box. Bake in any pan as directed. Cool cake completely.
  2. Line bottom of 9-inch round springform pan with a circle of waxed paper.
  3. In large microwave safe bowl, heat cream and butter until mixture begins to boil. Immediately add chocolate, let it sit a minute or two then stir until chocolate is melted. You may need to rewarm in microwave for a few seconds. Let cool slightly.

4.Cut cake into small (about 1/2-inch) cubes and place in large bowl. Pour about half of ganache (the chocolate mixture) over cake and mix well until it looks like thick mud. Scrape mixture into prepared springform pan and place in freezer for about an hour. The remaining ganache can rest on countertop.

  1. To unmold cake, turn upside down on serving plate. Remove waxed paper. Immediately pour remaining ganache over cake, spreading it smooth. The ganache will adhere to sides of cold cake. Store in refrigerator until serving time, cover and refrigerate any leftovers. Cake can be stored up to one week in refrigerator.

Serving:

You can serve it any way you like. But to immerse yourself with the name, you can do it like the Japanese.

Brief background: Among the many kinds of tasty sweets indigenous to Japan, you’ll find the seppuku monaka made by Shinshodo, a confectionary shop established more than 100 years ago. However, when you need to say “I’m sorry,” the seppuku monaka are really the best choice. For those of you who are looking for pointers on how to beg for forgiveness Japanese-style, we’ve put together this illustrated guide featuring Mr. Sato apologizing for a recent work-related blunder.

▼ Step one: Get down on your knees

step1

▼ Step two: Prostrate yourself

step2

▼ Make sure to keep your face pressed into the floor, and your peace offering raised towards the target of your apology.

step3

▼ Step three: Confirm the sincerity of your regret by silently bearing the shame as your counterpart steps on your head and relieves you of the seppuku monaka.

 

step4

step5

And to wash all that down, here’s the recipe for Hara-kiri Shot:

2 cl ouzo anise liqueur

2 cl Tabasco® sauce

Mix the ingredients in a shot glass and serve with a pint of beer on the side.

harakiri shot

Enjoy!

 

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To Laugh Or To Cry? : The Joo Koon Train Collision

mrt accident

Ed: Before we get bashed by the humourless liberals, we will like to extend our best wishes to the 28 people who are injured in the incident:

getwell

 

Was it a coincidence or a terrible curse? Everytime Minister Khaw opened his mouth to say something about the MRT, something horrible would happen the next moment. Continue reading

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SMRT : Trainspotting Gone Mad

trainspotting

By: B Goode

After all that’s been said and done, and that will be said and done ad nauseum until the end of time (hopefully not), is the MRT system really THAT bad?

I mean bad BAD like Mariah Carey’s deformed camel’s toe when she was singing `All I Want For Christmas’ infront of a group of children bad?:

msariah Continue reading

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National Day Rally 2017 : The Most Underwhelming And Uninspiring Ever!

underwhelming

By: B Goode

PM Lee recently said that he would not appreciate `yes men’.

Yes sir! Ahai Sir! Will do just that sir!

Sir, about your National Day Rally (NDR) speech. Was it written the night before whilst you were in the toilet or something? Because it stank to high heaven. Dafug was that all about?

Sorry to sound rude but there were worse unprintable words thrown at you from people in the streets. I am just the bearer of bad words.

People close to PM Lee and those `yes men’ who surround him, would no doubt tell him that the speech was brilliant. So expect lickspittles like Indranee Rajah and Josephine Teo to come out all gun ablazing to repeat Pm Lee’s speech ad nauseum.

But not a `no man’ like me. No oh. I am so NO that my nono tingled in a bad way when I heard that speech. If anything, the speech showed how disconnected the PM was from the people. It reminded me of a Chinese Emperor living within the confines of his Palace, surrounded by `yes men’ who would only tell him what he wanted to hear; the good and irrelevant news whilst his subjects suffered hardships under the warring warlords and eunuchs. Masking real issues with non-issues has always been a strategy for the weak. But we expect more from the PM of Singapore.

I could understand where he was coming from though. Pre-school education, smartnation and diabetes (really?) were all important issues but those issues could be dealt with on another day by his well-paid Ministers, unless they were useless in communicating and articulating complicated things to the people. No surprises there actually. But if you were to put them side-by-side with other issues of grave concerns to the people, those same issues would appear to be mere itches on the people’s arse. More importantly, those issues were too freaking obvious, Captain Obvious sir. You don’t need the Prime Minister to explain especially, and definitely not during the hallowed National Day rally.

So what’s the topic for next year? Eating too much fats will make you fat? Water is wet?

The annual National Day Rally has always been a much anticipated event in Singapore’s political calendar. It is a platform for the Prime Minister of the day to explain important topics and policies that mattered to the people. It is also a time for the Prime Minister to take stock of the country’s performance and general well-being and where the country is going moving forward. And if there are issues that are a cause for worry, it is a time for the PM to assuage the people.

Of course pre-school education, smartnation and diabetes (really) definitely all fall into the above category but as I’ve said, there were far more important issues that seemed to have flown over the cuckoo’s nest. Woooooosh!

Issues like the building of a megaport in Malacca that will rival Singapore, and the rail network connecting Malaysia’s west coast with the east that will allow goods to bypass Singapore; the screwed-up MRT system; high cost of living; the over-crowding; under-employment and wage stagnation; allegations against his integrity that still simmers; and if you want to talk about health, let’s talk about zika, dengue, cancer and the alt-fact that Singapore has now the world’s highest per-capita rate of deaths from  malfunctioning lifts…..and identified falling objects.

The NDR happens once a year. To put it in perspective as to how rare and valuable the NDR is, it is as rare as Khaw Boon Wan coming out to speak about the bloody MRT system. So to let a golden opportunity passed with a speech about sugar and spice and everything not nice was disappointing and utterly underwhelming.

Diabetes. Really?

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The Kind Of Diabetic Inducing Dessert To Avoid

 

PM Lee wants us to cut down on our sugar and calorie intake to prevent diabetes.

So ladies, and some men, reduce or stop altogether this type of after dinner dessert please. It is not good for your health, ok?

 

 

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Halimah’s Shoe Size

shoe

By: B Goode

So, the chubby PAP boy, Zaqy Mohamad has been parachuted in from Choa Chu Kang into Marsiling to replace Halimah Yacob who has resigned to contest the upcoming Presidential Election (PE). That was fast. Of course. He didn’t take the MRT…

Let’s not get into the nitty-gritty of whether this move was constitutional or fair except to echo what some Marsiling residents have said : `We didn’t vote for the greenhorn.”

But at least he came off apologetically, almost sheepishly to say that he had some big shoes to fill. Well, chubby boy, thank your lucky star that Halimah doesn’t wear 10-inch stilettos or you’ll be walking awkwardly like a new transvestite still learning the ropes. Well at least not publicly. Privately, who knows….?

But since he mentioned shoes, I would like to discuss about Halimah’s shoe size.

Some HDB blocks in Marsiling are presently in the process of upgrading. As with other upgrading projects in Singapore, residents were given a choice of 3 schemes to choose from. But not in Marsiling. Not under Halimah Yacob. Initially the residents were offered 3 choices but some residents complained that the choices were not appealing. Other MPs would have just said something like: “Scheme is scheme”, or “according to our poll, 95% of the residents were happy with the choices’ or `shut up and just bite the bullet” but not Halimah. Nope. Halfway through the process, she asked for another 3 choices to be added. So that makes 6 choices for Marsiling residents, something unheard of anywhere in Singapore, including Choa Chu Kang.

Also, as you must have heard, the area around Woodlands Centre is to be demolished to make way for an expanded Immigration Checkpoint. That area includes a hawker centre/market and shophouses. They are expected to be vacated by end of August. But because some of the proprietors have problems in securing new sites, they appealed to Halimah and as a result they were given an extension to November.

And there are more.

Marsiling area is now undergoing a transformation that will be the envy of residents in other areas. A new swanky Police Station is now being built next to an almost completed hawker centre/market. The stadium and swimming pool will be demolished and in their places, a new sportshub will be built. The Woodlands Town Garden is also being refurbished to rival the Botanical Gardens (ok..I exaggerated), and just completed is a modern kindergarten.

You could argue that all this development would have happened regardless of who the MP was. Go on then. Go to the corner and argue your case.

Most importantly, if you happened to visit Marsiling like I always did because of the quaint atmosphere of it being in the northern most part of Singapore, and the good food of course, you’d be awestruck by the cleanliness of the area and walked away with the feeling that the area was well-maintained. You could in fact walk from one end of the constituency to the other without getting yourself wet in a heavy downpour. Try doing that in Choa Chu Kang.

So yes. Halimah Yacob wears a pair of gigantic shoes. And you know what they say about women with big shoes?

They have a big heart.

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Singapore Presidential Election 2017 : Beware The Backlash

halimah2

By: B Goode

 

If you think that this coming Presidential Election (PE) is all about Malay, Malayness, the Constitution and what not, well think again.

Anyway, what’s the big fuss about whether someone is a Malay or not? Just check the NRIC lah….duh! Continue reading

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HADUKEN! : Jeannette Chong-Aruldoss Assaulted By M Ravi With….Handbag And Shoes!

a6jeannette-chong

By: B Goode

In a facebook post this afternoon, lawyer-cum-politician Jeannette Chong-Aruldoss alleged that another lawyer-cum-politician M Ravi assaulted her in full view of 3 of M Ravi’s burly henchmen. Continue reading

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GRAPHIC : Video Of Accident At Woodlands St 12

 

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT

Sometimes in life, no matter how careful you were, it only needed one idiot to kill you.

RIP.

 

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Lim Tean : The Making Of A Political Leech

 

lt

By: B Goode

Politicians are like Justin Bieber. You either love them or loathe them. And they need a platform to showcase their ideas, and in the case of Justin Bieber, artistry. It is all part of the game.

But some politicians are like hangers-on. They look for platforms after platforms to bathe in the limelight, absorb the atmosphere, take selfies to post on Instagram or Facebook to show the world how cool they are. Continue reading

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The Malay Malaise, Role Models And…..Ismail Kassim

P-Ramlee-CA

P.Ramlee

 

By: B Goode

Ismail Kassim, the former ST journalist who is known for his pro-Malaysia spins, is now talking smack about the reserved Presidency. This is the guy who waxes lyrical for Malaysia’s racist pro-Malay bumiputera policy and yet when it comes to Singapore, he is all for meritocracy. Dafug. Continue reading

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Disruptors, Freeloaders And Bad Behaviours

disrupt

By: B Goode

Why is there the need for banks to spend millions of dollars on security? Why is there the need to have multiple locks on your door?

Short answer : because humans are not angels.

So why do bike-sharing companies have an odd business model that largely depended on humans being good and honest?

Short answer : cost savings.

So if, due to cost savings they allowed their bicycles to not have proper and safe docking places, thus getting strewn all over the place with the risk of being stolen, damaged or thrown from the roof of a HDB block, why should we care? They have gambled on the improbable notion that humans would behave themselves, and when this was proven wrong, they blamed on humans for not behaving themselves. If ever there was a good example of a circular argument, this would be it.

If anything, they were complicit in whatever crimes committed against their bicycles. And yet they had the cheeks to report to the Police to clean up the mess for them. Why should we subsidise their operations by involving the Police? Should banks then ask for similar free Protection of their premises?

It is therefore extremely pleasing to hear that the government is now coming down hard on errant bike sharing companies; seizing the bicycles parked wantonly and I am sure more actions will come.

You see, no matter how sexy the word `disruptors’ might be, they should not be allowed to run their business models without any care or considerations for the rules and regulations of the country. At times, disruptors need to be disrupted too.

Take for example the minimum age requirement for taxi drivers. For whatever reasons, it is set at 30. Yet, pirate Uber and Grab drivers are not subjected to the same rule. If the reason for setting the age at 30 is still valid for taxi drivers, it should be imposed to Uber and Grab too. If not, then it should be removed for all.

`Disruptors’ is indeed a sexy word. They bring in creativity and new ways of doing things. But they should not be allowed to circumvent existing rules and regulations if those rules are still relevant. These disruptors should be treated like any other companies out to do business. If their business model goes contrary to the good of the society and country, then they too should be disrupted.

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Jeannette Chong-Aruldoss : Benevolent Lawyer Or Scheming Politician?

jca

By: B Goode

Most lawyers make good politicians. David Marshal, Lee Kuan Yew, JBJ, Mandela, Gandhi, M Ravi (just to make sure you were paying attention) et al were and are awesome at both. There are a lot of reasons for that but the best one is that they’re articulate and are natural born talkers. They can talk and talk and talk their way into your bedroom if they want, or as the Chinese say, until the bird from the tree rests on your palm.

One lawyer that doesn’t cut it as a politician is Jeannette Chong-Aruldoss.

You might have remembered Jeannette Chong-Aruldoss as the opposition candidate for Mountbatten in the 2011 General Election under the NSP where she lost to PAP candidate Lim Biow Chuan and again in 2015, this time under the SPP where she only managed to garner a miserable 28% of the votes.  From the Reform Party to NSP and currently the Singapore People’s Party, she is your typical political jumping bean. But is this the final piece of the jigsaw for her? Where will she land up next?  The PPP (pee, pee & pee)?  Please make up your mind and decide on the colour you want.

Jeanette is also a lawyer and she represented the Mountbatten Road murderer Kho Jabing where she tried to squash the death sentence by piling on the appeals to the Courts. Finally, she was whacked by the Appeal Court judges for “an attempt to re-litigate a matter which had already been fully argued and thoroughly considered”. In non-legal speak, the Judges were basically saying: “WTF do you take us for? Idiots?”

Why am I writing about Jeannette Chong-Aruldoss you might ask? Well, first and foremost I am bored stiff by the Korean drama. But most importantly, I want to highlight the thin line between awesome lawyer/politician and a bad one.

From what I’ve heard, Jeannette is very picky about the cases that she wants to represent. Where have I heard it from? Well from those who have sought her assistance and from their friends/relatives of course. That’s the beauty about being a lowlife like me. I mix with felons.

Some people who have problems with the law will try to get represented by lawyer/politicians. The main reason for this is that in trying to canvass for support, a lawyer/politician would naturally say something like : “If you have any legal problems, you can call me and I will try to help.”

You’d not hear that sort of thing from a mathematician/politician would you? Imagine PM Lee saying: “Boy. If you have problem with maths, you can call me.” Or engineer/politician like Khaw Boon Wan saying: “If the MRT is having some issues, I am here to solve it.” Oh wait….

The problem with Jeannette is that despite her promises to help the unfortunates with their legal troubles during her politicking rounds, privately she’d pick and choose which cases to represent. It wouldn’t matter whether you were rich or poor. It wouldn’t matter whether you had a chance of winning. What mattered to her most was whether she could get any political mileage out of it. Simply put, she would take on high-profile cases that would put her in the spotlight to boost her flagging political fortune.

Kho Jabing case was one good example. She grabbed it with both hands, and mouth because she knew that it would be sensational and that it would be in the news for days and weeks on end. And because that case also had attracted the libertards of the world, she knew that she’d get international exposure as well. Just imagine if she had won the case.

And then there was the case of Daniel De Costa. He got into trouble with something that had got to do with spreading fake news. What I heard was that someone approached Jeannette to see if she was willing to represent him. Jeannette turned the request down. And the rumour had it that it was because the case wasn’t high profile enough or the price wasn’t right. Of course, it was all hearsay but two things to note. My friends, though they may be lowlifers like me, they are the most honest lowlifers you’ll ever meet. But most importantly, it is the fact that Jeannette’s reputation as a picky, glory-seeking, useless lawyer/politician is gaining traction amongst the grassroot, fast.

Whether it is true or not is up to Jeannette to prove by her conduct. As it stands, she has done nothing to disprove it.

So that’s the difference between a good lawyer/politician and a bad one. A good one will use their innate skills to talk their way into the voters’ heart.

A bad one is Jeannette Chong-Alduross.

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38 Oxley Road Season Finale : 38 Conclusions

or

By: B Goode

Not in order of merit. In fact, there is no merit whatsoever.

  1. The Prime Minister of Singapore likes to cry. It is never a pretty sight.
  2. Parliament can assume the role of a Judiciary to question the Head of the Executive who in-turn assumes the role of the Judiciary to issue a verdict of innocence on himself. Confused? Me too!
  3. As such, all government legal departments including the Police and the Courts can now be closed because Parliament can do the job for them.
  4. Parliament needs a carpet. A big one.
  5. Whoever that maintains Parliament House needs to check on the smoke-detectors.
  6. Low Thia Khiang needs to learn the art of hammering a nail into a coffin. Skill Level : 1.
  7. Sylvia Lim likes to hunch her back when she speaks. Very unglam.
  8. Indranee Rajah is due for promotion.
  9. Whip or no whip, rice bowls are still evidently more important for the PAP MPs. That is understandable `cos good paying jobs are scarce outside.
  10. It is not over `cos we have yet to hear the fat lady sing.
  11. Speaking of which, MP Rahayu is getting fat.
  12. Forget chemistry. Forget science. Parliament has proven once and for all that blood is indeed thicker than water.
  13. In fact, Parliament has agreed that blood is even thicker than precedents.
  14. `Blood is thicker than water’ will now be accepted as mitigation for people accused of harbouring their criminal relatives because Parliament has said so.
  15. DPM Tharman didn’t say a word. Hmmm..
  16. ESM Goh knows. He knows. He knows more than what he’s telling us.
  17. Heng Swee Keat is able to stand. Congratz!
  18. It only took two days for PM Lee to absolve himself of any wrongdoings. It would take forever to clear his tarnished public image.
  19. And only Lee Kuan Yew himself would be able to return his family’s good name to its former glory. But he’s dead. RIP.
  20. 38 Oxley Road is now officially a haunted house for the Lee’s.
  21. 3802, 3800, 3834 and their permutations are all sold out! Damn!
  22. Tom Cruise will play Lee Hsien Loong if Hollywood decides to turn it into a movie. Brad Pitt as Lee Hsien Yang. Tommy Lee Jones as Lee Wei Ling.
  23. It would be a comedy.
  24. All the possible candidates to replace PM Lee didn’t say a word except Lawrence Wong because he had to explain the deed of gift, and Heng Swee Keat. Yay!
  25. Kudos to DPM Teo for being able to keep his work in the special Cabinet Committee a secret from his boss.
  26. Kudos to both DPM Teo and PM Lee for not casually chit-chatting about the case to each other. Something that not many people can do.
  27. I am running out of points.
  28. Parliament sitting started on time. This proved that if you were not taking the MRT, you could reach your workplace on the dot.
  29. Be right back. Need more beer.
  30. Still drinking.
  31. According to the internet, PM Lee should sue his siblings.
  32. But PM Lee only reads The Straits Times.
  33. PM Lee wants everyone to move on.
  34. But everyone wants PM Lee to move out.
  35. Parliament has decided that 38 Oxley Road is historically important thus cannot suka suka demolish without a special Cabinet Committee being set up.
  36. The National Theatre was demolished just like that to make way for a road.
  37. PM Lee concludes that the air is now clear.
  38. They really need to check on the smoke detectors.

Continue reading

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Indranee Rajah : WOOF!

indranee

By: B Goode

There is really nothing wrong to placate your boss. Everyone does it to a certain extent. In fact, I am doing just that by writing this article. My lady boss wants it. So I have to do it to make her happy. Although I could perhaps achieve the same result by just sleeping with her but I don’t dig fat chicks my sweet, curvaceous and stunningly beautiful lady boss is married. And yes she will be reading this and vetting it but I don’t care. Continue reading

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Bilahari Kausikan : A Dinosaur Stuck In The Disco Era

bilahari

By: B Goode

I am never a fan of Bilahari Kausikan. Nor am I a fan of his former BFF now turned academic nemesis, Kishore Mahbubani. If you trawled their past statements, you’d understand why. They were like a couple of old foggers stuck in an ideological timewarp. What made them more unappealing was their penchant to panic at the slightest event that seemed to threaten their comfort zones. When Brexit happened, they said it would be the end of the world. When Trump happened, they too said it would be the end of the world. They are your typical doom and gloom merchants. Continue reading

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The Radicalized Beard

beard

By: B Goode

In an attempt to assist our Home Minister, S Shanmugam, I did an intensive research into Islamic radicalization; so intensive in fact that I was starting to look at backpacks in a funny way, and to dream of 72 virgins some of whom were boys (weird!). Continue reading

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The Legacy Of LKY : An Ode To A Father

lky1

By: B Goode

He wasn’t my father nor was he your father. But we could all agree that Lee Kuan Yew was the father of modern Singapore, and regretfully at the same time the father of three bickering brats. Continue reading

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Bizarre Ramadhan Food Fight

bazaar

By: B Goode

Singapore is now being swept by a tsunami of gluttony proportion all because of….food. What else? Continue reading

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The Sorry State Of Modern Islam

a8

By: B Goode

At about the same time that a 22-yr old radicalised Muslim Salman Abedi blew himself up in Manchester Arena, some of the most corrupt Muslim leaders in the world gathered with President Trump in Saudi Arabia to do something straight out from 1001 nights; rubbing an orb: Continue reading

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