The Mystery Of The Man With A White Umbrella


By: B Goode


As I was walking one day back to my apartment (yeah right) along Orchard Road, I saw a very peculiar sight; a man walking with a white umbrella.

It was peculiar not because it was a man carrying the umbrella. Metrosexuals are everywhere nowadays. It was peculiar because it wasn’t raining, nor was it sunny. It was the type of weather where you’d just want to cuddle up with someone special. In my case, that would be my loyal partner of two years (don’t judge).

It was cloudy.

Cutting to the chase, I asked him why was he carrying an umbrella in such a glorious weather?

He looked at me as if scoffing me and simply pointed to the pavement.


“A lot of birds here! If you didn’t use an umbrella, they’d shit on your head!” he said and walked away.

So I decided to spend the next 30 minutes or so to walk the stretch of Orchard Road. My loyal companion can wait.

And true enough, there were birdshits everywhere. All along Orchard Road.

On the pavements.


On the benches.


On the plants.


And they have learnt to beg even.


And I am sure some would have landed in the ice-cream sold by the mobile ice-cream vendor and in the foods served in the AL frescoes.

And mind you. This was during the rainy season where I’d think the shits would have been constantly washed by the rain. I dread to think how it would be like during the hot and dry months.

And apparently the NEA is not doing anything. The AVA is not doing anything. The government is not doing anything. Perhaps everyone is afraid to take action against the birds because they are afraid to antagonise the tree-hugging hippies who have infested our political system.

You know who they are.

Meanwhile, everyone’s attention is focused on the litterbugs at a concert whilst Orchard Road, once a proud landmark of Singapore, is slowly but surely turning into a shithole.

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