If Chee Soon Juan Was Minister For Home Affairs

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By: B Goode

Recently some Bangladeshi terrorists were arrested in Singapore. Instead of rallying together as a nation in the face of the clear and present danger, Chee Soon Juan decided to find something to blame and colour me surprise, he decided to blame the government for having a lax immigration policy thus allowing terrorists to enter and work in Singapore.

In the first place, how the hell would the government know that a clean cut foreign worker coming into Singapore would later grow a beard and become a terrorist?

So I have listed here the things that Chee Soon Juan would have done if he was the Minister For Home Affairs. Sorry Shan. There’s a new kid on the block.

  • He’d build a 0.5m concrete wall (because Bangladeshis are not very tall) around Singapore and ask the Bangladesh government to pay for it. Then he’d call Donald Trump and say: “Yo Bro! I’ve built a wall and made Singapore great again. Where’s yours?”
  • Ban every foreign worker from sporting a beard because he noticed that all terrorists had beard.
  • Abolish the ISA, and because of that the Police could only charge terrorists for the offence of unlawful sporting of a beard under Section 6(a)(s)(s) of the WTF Act because possessing pamphlets containing bomb-making instructions, and a list of names (including his) of those to be beheaded was no longer an offence.
  • Ensure that all retrenched ISD Officers received their unemployment insurance payouts.
  • If the terrorists were sentenced to jail, he’d pardon them because `hey! It’s inhumane!’
  • If the terrorists were fined, he’d pay for the fines, using the ministry’s budget of course, because `hey! It’s inhumane!’
  • Policemen would not be able to carry firearms because the Bobbies didn’t, so why should the Makanpaus?
  • The Home Team would be called The Chee Soon Juan Team because `hellooo! I am the MINISTER,  ok?’
  • You could see him at Jalan Bahar Civil Defence HQ at 1 o’clock in the morning because he’d be a full-time Minister mah….
  • During lunch time, you could meet him at Kinokuniya bookstore for a book signing event for his latest book titled: `How To Be An Unemployed Politician And Succeed In Three Simple Steps ONLY!’
  • He’d manoeuvre to kick Lee Hsien Loong out of office so that he’d be the PM
  • He’d then change the Constitution so that he’d also be the President,
  • And the Speaker of Parliament too
  • And declare himself to be half-Chinese, half-Malay, half-Indian, half-Eurasian and half-Others so that he could be a minority President if needed to
  • During his free time, he’d lecture Singaporeans about the plight of abandoned pets. Oh wait! The present Minister is already doing that…
  • So he’d do a one-upmanship and lecture the abandoned pets instead.
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