The Following Persons/Establishment Need Cash Incentives Too!

cash

By: B Goode

So the LTA decided to monetize incentivize the operations of SBSTransit and SMRT by giving them cash as a reward for them doing what they were supposed to do.

It is akin to my mother giving money to my father for bringing home the bacon. Or me you giving money to a prostitute for…oh wait!

Crony capitalism at its very best.

Anyway, why just stop there? Since the government apparently have a lot of dosh to give away, I have henceforth made a list of persons/establishment that are also deserving of some form of monetary incentives:

 

  1. Adam Road Nasi Lemak

During lunchtime, the queue could be as long as 45 minutes. The NEA should consider giving them monetary reward if they could cut the queue time by just 5 minutes so that the customers could use that saved 5 minutes to queue for their sugarcane juice. This also applies to all hawker stalls with damn bloody long queues.

 

  1. The Performance Artist At Room No: 48 Petain Road

During the weekends, the queue of customers outside the room could be as long as 10-man deep (according to my friend). The MOM should consider giving her an incentive to quicken her service. (Don’t ask me how. I’ve never ever been with a performance artist before, and I swear I don’t know what she does inside). On top of that, she should be given the best-worker-in-the-service-industry award by the SBA.

 

  1. Mediacorp

The MDA should give mediacorp cash incentives to produce more dramas so that unemployed mediocre actors/actresses like Neo Swee Lin could have some work to do and not be so free as to meddle in something she had no idea about, to wit politics.

  1. Amy Khor

The NEA should give Amy Khor a $10/- Estee Lauder voucher for each hawker whom she managed to discourage from using Styrofoam.

  1. CNB Officers

CNB Officers should be given a cash reward equivalent to the street value of the drugs they seized. Double that amount if they could swear to God that they had never been tempted to smoke the ganja themselves.

  1. The Police

MHA should give the Police a special bonus on-top of their already lucrative performance bonus if they could apprehend the real Yishun cat killer.

  1. Louis Ng

The Speaker of Parliament (she’s in-charge of MPs’ payroll, right?) should reward Louis Ng with a life-long supply of Pedigree Dog Food if he could stop humanizing animals for just one freaking day!

  1. NEA Officers

The NEA officers who summoned me for smoking in the void deck should go to hell for all I care! Bastards!

  1. The SCDF

The MHA should reward the SCDF officers with a $25/- Febreze gift voucher each for every fire that they put out.

  1. NEA Officers

Have I mentioned the bastards who summoned me for smoking in the void deck? KNN!

  1. Maids And Their Employers

MOM should reward maids with $18/- top-up cards for each day that they work without killing a baby or a granny. The employers should be given a rebate if they didn’t abuse or rape their maids during the course of their employment.

  1. ICA Officers

ICA officers at the checkpoints should be given $3/- for each vehicle that they cleared. The faster they cleared the vehicles, the more cash they’d get. A win-win situation.

  1. Lorry And Bus Drivers

The LTA, again (because they have a lot of money apparently) should give lorry and bus drivers $100 fuel vouchers redeemable only at legal petrol stations and not at the make-shift ones under the Angsana tree somewhere near Senoko, for each day that they didn’t maim or kill someone.

  1. Doctors

MOH should give doctors new stethoscopes (observe their worn-out stethoscopes next time you visit the doctor and you might see something strange growing on the tube) if they could issue zero MCs out on Mondays and on days after a world cup match.

  1. Polyclinics

Polyclinics should be given $10/- cash reward for each patient they treated without sending them for blood tests, and $15/- without sending them for x-rays.

  1. Doctors, again!

Doctors should be given a slap each time they asked a patient whether they smoked.

  1. Lee Bee Wah

Lee Bee Wah should be given a free course at the Singapore Zoo to study the various types of rodents found in Singapore

  1. MSM Journalists

MSM journalists should be given a pay rise for each article that they published critical of the government. And all MSM journalists should be given an $88/- Popular Bookstore Voucher each if they could refrain from publishing any article about diabetes from now until December.

  1. Taxi Drivers

LTA should reward taxi drivers $10.05 cash (because they just love their five cents) if they could take a passenger from Changi Airport to Pasir Ris without showing a black face.

  1. Han Hui Hui

Just give her whatever amount needed for a boob job.

  1. Amos

Someone, anyone please give him a fleshlight and a life-long supply of lube.

  1. Ministers

Ministers should just give themselves a reward simply because they thought they were good,

And lastly,

  1. Bloggers

The government should give bloggers monetary incentives because they were the reason why Singapore was not placed last in the International Freedom Index. And also because helloooo….we need to eat also ok?

 

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