It Feels Right To Be A Human In Singapore


By: B Goode

As the opportunistic leprechauns gather at Hong Lim Park to exercise their freedom of speech to protest the lack of freedom of speech in Singapore, I am preparing to go to JB to get myself a new irony board. My old one has been burnt by the heat of sarcasm.

Today is World’s Human Rights Day. If you are confused as to what this human rights thing is all about, don’t worry, let me confuse you even more.

Aung Sun Suu Kyi, the world’s biggest emotional scammer and the darling of human rights groups won the Nobel peace prize due to her humanitarian work for underprivileged people in Myanmar, as long as they are not Rohingyas. Placating your support base at the expense of the disenfranchised is not humanitarianism. It is called politics.

So the day Aung Sun Suu Kyi won the Nobel Peace prize was the day when the hijacking of Human Rights by the politicians from under the noses of the social workers was made complete.

Just like the day when Bob Dylan won the Nobel prize for literature was the day when books were made obsolete.

Today is World’s Human Rights day. Another auspicious day for the usual suspects to gather to entertain the anti-government crowd and earn some donations.

Let’s see who we have here.

Gilbert Goh – who hates foreigners

Jolovan Wham – who loves foreigners

Han Hui Hui – who was a foreigner who hates foreigners

M Ravi – who loves or hates foreigners depending on his mood today

Leong Sze Hian – who loves himself

Tan Kin Lian – only about 300 people loved him to be the President

Teo Soh Lung – who loves Lenin

But one thing they all have in common is the love for the limelight and the need for relevancy. And donations of course.

So I will ignore the politics of human rights and get to the basics and list out what it feels like to be human in Singapore.

  1. I’ve got a roof over my head to protect me against the weather although I will still get wet in the MRT trains during a thunderstorm but hey! where is my irony board?
  2. I’ve never gone hungry even if it means eating cup noodles and drinking tap water during the last few days before my pay day, and getting free leftovers from the nearby 7-11. (Note: at 1am every morning, 7-11 do give away leftover currypuffs, biscuits, paus and breads). For others, there are soup kitchens aplenty such as Willing Hearts. And begging from friends. You can’t do this in some poorest countries because all your friends are beggars too.
  3. I will not get turned away from the polyclinics and hospitals even if I am broke as fuck. Thus the reminder notices from Singhealth asking me to pay up. Sorry la bro. I’ll pay when I get my CPF.
  4. I have the freedom of movement because we have the cheapest public transport fares in the world (haha) and the most efficient (hahahaha). Although I have to be careful where I walked in case a facade or plaster falls on my head.
  5. My passport is one of the most valuable in the world. If only I could afford to travel overseas but hey! there is always Batam and JB.
  6. I have the freedom to have consensual sex with anyone. Don’t ask. In some countries, you might get 100 lashes if you were lucky, and stoned to death if you were not.
  7. I have the freedom to marry anyone I like regardless of race or religion. In Malaysia for instance, if you want to marry a Minah, you need to get circumcised. Ouch! (Quick mental maths: 7– 1= 6. Not bad lah. But what if you are blessed with only a 3?)
  8. I have the freedom to name my children anything I want even Plutonium (true story). Do you know that in France, you cannot name your son `Jones’? It must be the French version which I think is `Cajones’.
  9. But all that means nothing if we don’t have the security to protect us. So I have to say a big thank you to the police and the army. Thank God we have the Terexxes to protect us.

But most importantly, so important that it deserves a new paragraph of its own is that, I have the freedom to talk cock. Wanna bet?


I doubt anything will happen to me. But if you don’t hear from me anymore then yes, we don’t have the freedom of speech but hey! they do provide free lodging and food in Changi Ville you know…..


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