Things I Wish Had Died In 2016

celeb-d-t

By: B Goode

With 2016 taking so many well-known celebrities with it, it had me scrambling for news about Anita Sarawak. She’s fine. No worries.

So in-between going to the toilet because I had too much Anchor Beer for the New Year (my friends are cheap), I managed to put together the things I wish had died in 2016:

  • FAKE NEWS

All fake things are bad. Unless you are Sally when she met Harry:

But if we were to somehow magically make every single fake things disappear, 90% of made-in-China products would go poof including possibly the lift you were standing on. And Mariah Carey’s tits. We wouldn’t want that to happen.

But I wish at least we could make fake news go away because they mess up with our minds. That’s why I still refuse to believe that our Terrex tanks are being held hostage in Hong Kong. I refuse to believe that our government is so stupid as to allow our weapons to be transported by private companies. I refuse to believe that no government officials did a due diligence on the documents. And I refuse to believe that our Ministers are not capable to negotiate a return. I will only believe if someone gets screwed for dereliction of duty. Fake news I say!

  • Doom Merchants

Duterte Happened: OMG! The Philippines will go to the dogs! Nope. The Philippines economy is the fastest growing in the region and investments are pouring in because businesses believe in Duterte and his back-to-basics socio/political and economic policies.

Brexit Happened: OMG! The UK will go to the dogs! Nope. The UK economy and the pound sterling have been strongest in more than a decade and almost everyone wants to do business directly with them.

Trump Happened: OMG! The US will go to the dogs! Nope. Have you checked the Dow Jones and the US dollar exchange rate lately?

Mosquito infestation, blocked drains, falling façade, lifts and plasters Happened: OMG! Singapore is falling apart! Hmmmm…

  • SJWs

Social Justice Warriors, the ultra-liberals, whiners, sore losers etc. Not the people but the movement and their agendas `cos I will never wish death upon anyone or anything except pigeons. The SJWs with their incessant and misplaced political correctness are the scourge of this earth playing with words instead of action. What’s wrong if I want to call a spade a spade? I mean if I were to call a fat lady fat, no amount of niceties could alter the fact that she’s fat and most probably will die from diabetes. There I’ve said it. Sue me.

  • Superficial Socio-political Activists

You know who they are. The banana-eating goons who swarmed Hong Lim Park like a plague at every opportunity to earn some dough. How many times can they yell `Return Our CPF’ or `Singapore For Singaporeans’ before they get old like my 5-year old underwear, or stale like the Anchor Beer (my friends are cheap) I had for New Year? I yearn for some activists who could offer solid alternative model of governance and economic policies. The longer these movements exists, the more Singaporeans will get side-tracked from the real issues of the day that are bugging our government like….how to take a perfect selfie.

  • Opposition Parties

Speaking of superficial, wtf happened to our Opposition? The one in Parliament is too busy trying to balance their account. Others are putting up alternative policy ideas which are good to begin with but once their policies are attacked, they simply whimper and suck thumb one corner. I yearn for an opposition with fire in their belly, who is not afraid to engage in robust discourse to put forward their ideas and alternative views. When was the last time the WP put up a Bill to be debated in Parliament? When was the last time it snowed in Singapore?

  • Funny Laws

When a reckless driver who mowed dead a pedestrian got two weeks jail, whilst a bird smuggler got 6 months jail….I rest my case.

Happy New Year everyone! Hic!

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