Chinese New Year Is Never The Same


WARNING: This article contains a sickening dose of nostalgia

By: B Goode

When a minister got overly excited over the prospect of the return of our seized terrex tanks and urged Singaporeans to celebrate Chinese New Year with them, you knew that Chinese New Year had lost some of its charms.

Dude. In the first place, tanks don’t celebrate CNY.

Secondly, who in this side of hell would celebrate something that would not have happened if someone somewhere didn’t screw up? It was akin to getting your girlfriend pregnant because you were too cheap to buy a pack of condoms and then after a time of much consternation, you managed to persuade your girlfriend to have an abortion and then celebrate the occasion with a lion dance.

Yay! Hit me baby one more time!

Most importantly, and this is where my melancholic rant shall begin, most Singaporeans will not be in Singapore to welcome the tanks back.

I know this because all of my friends are overseas. I have actually expected this.

So a month ago I used the Chinese app to apply for a rent-a-girlfriend to keep me company this CNY. But I received this in my mail instead:


Oh man. They have taken fuckery fakery to another new level.

In between trying to figure out what to do with the monstrosity, should I blow it with my mouth or use a bicycle pump, I was overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness.

In days gone by, CNY was glorious. It was colourful, noisy, smoky, foody… know…celebratory. There were people around to celebrate with you.

Not that Singapore is deserted now. On CNY day, I popped over to the neighbourhood mall to look for a pair of cheongsam for my ‘girlfriend’ hoping that my aged father would not notice that my `girlfriend’ had a gaping mouth, and it was crowded. And that’s the problem. They were not supposed to be in a mall on CNY day doing non-CNY stuff. They were supposed to be stuffing themselves silly with CNY goodies in someone’s house.

But then again, if their relatives and friends were overseas….

And this trend of going overseas during the cultural festivities is not only restricted to CNY. Increasing numbers of Malays do it too during Hari Raya. And Indians during Deepavali.

My advice to the young couples who went overseas with their children during the cultural holidays leaving their parents behind. In years to come, when your children grew up, they too would leave for the holidays leaving you all alone.

Then, you’d have to apply for rent-a-child-or-grandchild. You might end up with an enhanced version of what I got.

Or, you’d be asked by the government to celebrate with inanimate objects like terrex tanks for instance.

Kong Hee Fatt Choy everyone!


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