Cocks, Pussies And A Reason To Cull Our Policymakers

cock

By: B Goode

Sad news for us chicken lovers.

After some serious deliberations (about 2 minutes whilst secretly playing Candycrush on their smartphones), our clueless bureaucrats have decided to cull the foreign-import chickens that lined the backlanes of Geylang.

heylang

Oh wait! Wrong channel. Sorry.

I know that this is the year of the Rooster but I don’t expect the cocks in the government HQs to start crowing this early already. Dude. Can you guys just wait after Chap Goh Meh? Have some respect please!

Apparently some of our government departments; NEA, AVA and others with an `A’ (for ass) in their acronyms are ganging up to murder free-ranging chickens because of…

…wait for it

…wait for it

…wait for it…

Noise!

Captain Treehugger Louis Ng! Where are you when we need you?

SAVE THE CHICKENS, BRO!

You see, if we need to cull noisy things, I would have choked to death one of my ex-girlfriends who was of Japanese descent. Apart from the following things:

  • The impatient taxi uncles at the traffic light or wherever and whenever they decide to be impatient
  • The Ah Bengs in their revved-up Subaru. (Why must it always be Subaru? Can someone please tell me?)
  • Malay weddings, Chinese funerals, Thaipusam procession, Santa Claus and his jingling bells and whatever atheist people do. Sorry I went there. I am not racist. Just making a point. There is a reason why there is no `A’ in ISD because you guys are cool…
  • My mom. But she’s dead already. RIP mom. I love you!
  • And a million other things.

And perhaps realising that simply being noisy is not an ironclad reason to start butchering the helpless, flightless and delicious chickens, they decided to insert another reason. I am sure they are very proud of themselves now. All those taxpayers’ money spent to send them on overseas scholarships are reaping the rewards. I mean. Only people who went to Oxbridge, Yale, MIT, NUS etc could have come up with this brilliant idea. Plebs like us who gained our education via mere observation would be too stupid to even think.

You guys want to know what the reason is? Just remember not to cull yourself after you hear it;

It is to prevent these free-ranging chickens from interbreeding with the native chickens. Brilliant or what?

Of course not!

You know why is this so stupid? Try imagining the free-range chickens as foreign talents and you will know what I mean.

So if the free-range chickens are to be culled because they are foreign, I’d suggest the following to be culled too for the same reason:

  • Persian cats, Siamese cats, Burmese cats, British Shorthairs, Octopussy (wait. That’s not a cat), and all cats except for the Singapura cat. You guys do know that there’s a native cat breed called the Singapura, right? No? Oh that’s right. You guys didn’t go to Oxbridge. The only bridge you went to was the overhead bridge. Hahahaha plebs!
  • All breeds of dogs except for…hmmm there are no native dogs in Singapore so yeah, all dogs! There’s a joke about bitches in there somewhere but I am not going there because this is a family-friendly website.
  • Pigeons that originated from India to prevent them from interbreeding with the native green pigeons. You guys do know that there is a native green p….oh nevermind. I’ll just assume that you guys were all dropouts from Chai Chee Secondary from now on.
  • The black Mynahs that originated from somewhere in the world, that roost on the trees outside your bedroom window singing `We Are The Champions’ every freaking night and shitting on your parked cars underneath. The native Mynah is brown in colour but of course the policymakers didn’t know about this because the imported black Mynahs even got three statues in their honour in front of Victoria Hall:

mynah

  • The wild boars. If you think that the wild boars that are causing havoc to motorcyclists using Thomson Road are native to Singapore, think again. They actually originated from domesticated pigs that escaped from the villages that used to exist in that area and then their descendants became wild. But I don’t expect you guys to know this….
  • And the list goes on and on to Kallang Park on a Sunday.

So free-range chickens are to be culled because they are foreign. And yet the above things are allowed to roam free and shit in your plate of mee rebus.

Policies like this make me wish for those cocks in the government departments who are responsible for them to be culled instead.

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